After the death of someone we love, guilt usually comes knocking. It can be heavy. Persistent. Relentless.
It can feel like the guilt list has no end.
What do we do with this?
The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I think you’ll be able to relate to the Grieving Heart in this chapter. I hope you find these words comforting and encouraging today.
THE GUILT LIST HAS NO END
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
I felt nauseated this morning. I don’t have a stomach bug. I’m missing you.
Yes, it’s that bad. Intense. Penetrating.
I’ve done some thinking about guilt. I’m honestly shocked at how prevalent it is. Now that I’m looking for it, I see it everywhere.
I said things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t say things I should have. I know I hurt you, on more than one occasion.
I could have done so much more good for you. I could have expressed my love and care more.
I could have. I should have. If only I hadn’t. If only I had. I wish. What if.
The guilt list has no end. How can I make these things right? Is that possible?
I get it. Guilt is not my friend, but he is very real right now.
How do I deal with this?
When someone departs, we naturally replay our relationship with them.
We look back and review what was said and not said, done and not done.
Wounds from the past surface.
Once loss strikes, our hearts are left to grapple with regrets, missed opportunities, and crushed hopes. Some plans and dreams have been shattered.
We want to take responsibility for what we did and said. We want to clear things up and make things right somehow. Our souls squirm under the pressure of unresolved issues and unfinished relational business. This is natural and common.
Many find it helpful to write a letter to their loved one, expressing their love and their regrets. Asking forgiveness is important and healthy.
Though we get no response, confessions like these are good for the soul. If we don’t want to write it out, we can speak it. Some set up an empty chair and imagine their loved one there. We can ask their forgiveness and express our love.
Forgiving ourselves can be hard. Our hearts want to hang on. For some reason, we feel that letting go of guilt means walking away and leaving our loved one behind. On the contrary, forgiving ourselves can free us to grieve and express our love more authentically.
Now is the time to begin to forgive ourselves. Our hearts will thank us.
Affirmation: I will ask forgiveness and also forgive myself, so I can be free to love you and grieve well.
If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:3-5)
Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss
Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.
Question: Is guilt a persistent issue for you in your grief? Feel free to share by commenting below.
God is SO amazing! Gary led me to the highest level of spiritual growth of I could ever imagine during his ministry at Sherman Bible Church. I was going through several major life changing losses. And now God sends His understanding and guidance through Gary again. I am SO blessed.
Hello Vicki! GREAT to hear from you! Wow. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. Those were good, growing days, and I am very grateful for them. I hope you are doing well. Praying for you now. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you! Blessings in Christ…
Hi Gary,
Yes, I confess I suffered from guilt for more than I d care to admit. Its effect did so much damage to my mental health I shut down emotionally to everyone around me. Today I don’t go there in my mind. Instead I’m practicing self love by being compassionate towards myself. Not to say guilt doesn’t try to creep in my daily thoughts. But I recognise who & where these thoughts come from & it’s not my Saviour. I began journaling specifically to my son & poured out my heart into the beautiful journal Marc gifted me before he moved on. I also have 5 other journals 1.Jesus 2.Husband 3.Marc 4. Adult Daughter & 5. Youngest Son. This simple act continues to enlighten me.
Hi Sylvia. Thank you for writing and sharing. Well done! Guilt can be a massive struggle, and “getting it out” is the most helpful thing we can do. Hopefully, that eventually leads to us letting it go and freeing ourselves to live in Christ’s forgiveness. I’m so proud of you for all this. I hope you share this with others from time to time. There’s a lot of help and wisdom in what you’ve done and are doing. You are a blessing! Peace to you today…
2017 and still full of guilt. My daughter was a drug battle for 10 years and could not always be there since I was raising her daughter. As things got bad I had to take legal action. As her last days were coming to an end her Dad and girl friend pressed charges against her and she gave hope. She was not going to go back to prison that she had visited in the past. Her father rejected her and she had nobody to take her in and love her during those desperate lonely hours. At the same time my mother was falling and had to put her in the hospital and died a week later. I have good friend who has been through 2 adult sons passing and has been there when she can. However, she has moved on and know longer seems to be where I am. I truly can’t seem to get rid of my guilt and heart break. Thanks for taking the time to read. I keep trying to find counselor and have not had any luck in the past years. I won’t to write a book but do not have the skill or time.
Hi Melanie. Thank you for writing and sharing. Oh my. You have really been through it – and are going through it. Guilt can be so powerful, especially for us parents. We automatically feel responsible for our kids, no matter what age they are. Once a parent, always a parent. I’m so sorry for all you’re enduring. Please be as kind to yourself as possible. Praying for you now, especially about the guilt. Please reach out any time. Blessings and peace to you…