This loss has brought up all the others.
I keep thinking about the other people I’ve lost along the way.
The pain is resurfacing. And now I have this new pain too.
What do I do with all this?
Are past losses making this loss harder?
Our grief is never just about one loss. Each new loss tends to remind us of past losses. Past pain comes visiting again.
Imagine for a moment that you were given a large suitcase when you were born. As you lived and grew, experiences were loaded into your suitcase. Sadly, negative experiences and losses can often end up being larger and heavier than positive experiences. When we’re young, we don’t have any idea how to process loss, so we end up having to carry it around with us wherever we go.
As we grow, we experience more losses along the way. To some degree, each successive loss triggers the pain of past losses. If we don’t learn how to process and deal with these losses well, more weight gets added to our suitcase. Over time, we can begin to stagger under the sheer weight of all that has been heaped upon us.
We get used to carrying this weight, not knowing that those unprocessed losses have most likely created unhealthy patterns of thinking and living along the way. If we don’t begin to process these losses, we can find ourselves suddenly immobilized. We can no longer lift the massive weight upon us. We fall and stagger. We’re worn out. All our coping mechanisms fail. We can feel lost, helpless, and undone.
We can feel like hope has disappeared. The reality is that hope is always there, but in heavy grief we often don’t have eyes to perceive it. Our eyes are focused on our losses.
Yes, past losses can complicate our current situation and our grief process. However, please know this: No one is beyond repair. Anyone can heal. Anyone can grow – including you.
If past losses are an issue, the first thing we need to do is to be willing to open our life suitcase. We need to consider what’s back there – disappointments, rejections, betrayals, abuse, abandonments, estrangements, deaths – and begin to unpack our suitcase a bit. Most likely we will need help to do this well.
If your life suitcase is heavy, consider working through the Personal History of Loss at the end of this chapter. Then consider sharing some or all of that with someone safe and trustworthy. Professional expert help can be extremely valuable here. Mental health professionals who know grief well can be invaluable partners to assist you in unpacking the heavier items in your life suitcase.
We all have past losses. Past pain can become present again with each new loss. Dealing with past losses as well as the present loss is important in the recovery, healing, and growth process.
Affirmation:
My past losses may be contributing to my current pain and grief. I’ll find healthy ways to process and heal from the past as well as the present.
Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.
Question: Do you think past losses have influenced your grief process? How so? Please feel free to share by leaving a comment below:
