How Do I Deal with Grief Attacks?
Grief is crazy.
I’ll be fine, and then not fine.
All of a sudden, the grief will be on me like a tiger.
Powerful feelings can overtake and overwhelm me in a nanosecond.
These grief attacks are terrifying and embarrassing.
How do I deal with them?
Grief attacks, or grief bursts, are extremely common after a loss.
The problem is that we might never have experienced such an attack before. It’s new to us, and therefore frightening and unnerving.
I don’t like the word “attack” much in this case. I prefer “burst” because “attack” has a negative, you-need-to-protect-yourself connotation to it.
The truth is that grief “bursts” are perfectly natural and healthy.
Grief doesn’t come from the outside. Our grief is within us, and it tends to build up over time.
We’re walking along minding our own business and then it happens. We feel the grief rising rapidly inside. Powerful, intense emotion overwhelms us.
Many times, there is a trigger of some kind – a song, an aroma, a person, a place, etc. The grief within is triggered and some internal pressure gets suddenly released.
Grief bursts don’t need a trigger, however. Sometimes they just happen.
We can’t run from these bursts. They will catch us. We can’t fight them either. They’re already on us before we know it.
We don’t like them because we feel out of control. But we’re never in control, really. We don’t like grief bursts because we feel embarrassed and self-conscious. But when we’re grieving, we’re already self-conscious and always on the verge of embarrassment.
Again, grief bursts are natural, extremely common, and healthy.
They are to be welcomed and embraced.
What do you do when a grief burst comes? If possible, ride it out.
Let the grief come. Allow yourself to express the emotions.
If you’re in certain public places, this can be frightening. You can be proactive and have an exit strategy beforehand. If a grief burst strikes, what will you do?
Here are three possible exit strategies:
• Option A: I’ll breathe deeply and try to stay where I am and ride it out.
• Option B: I’ll excuse myself to a more private location where I can express my emotions.
• Option C: I’ll acknowledge the grief burst but put it on hold. When I’m alone, I’ll process the event further.
There is no right or wrong to this. You will not be able to get this perfect. It’s about learning, healing, and growing by processing your grief well.
Affirmation: When grief bursts come, I’ll embrace them and process the emotions in healthy ways. I’ll remember these bursts are natural, common, and healthy.
Suggestions:
Grief bursts will come. Here are a few tips on how you can prepare for grief spikes in the future.
• Think about the week ahead. Where and when is your grief likely to be triggered this week? Pick one possible place and time. Imagine yourself there. Consider the three possible exit strategies in this chapter. Which one (Option A, B, or C) sounds best to you in this situation?
• Consider taking some time each morning to think through your day beforehand. If there are appointments, people, or situations that you anticipate might be difficult, plan your exit strategy in case you need it. Just the sense of being prepared will decrease some of the potential dread involved.
• Either during or immediately after a grief burst, consider using A.I.R. (Acknowledge, Identify, Release) to process your way through it (see the end of chapter seven for a detailed explanation). Be honest with yourself and acknowledge whatever you’re feeling. Identify the thoughts that are running through your mind. And then do your best to release those emotions and thoughts.
• After a grief burst, take a few moments and debrief yourself from the experience. How did it go? What do you wish you had done differently? What can you learn from that experience?
Grief bursts will come. Proactively plan for them. Your grief bursts honor the one you lost.
Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.
Question: Have you experienced grief bursts? What have you found to be helpful? Please feel free to share by leaving a comment below:
