How Do I Deal with All the Guilt I Feel?

I feel guilty.

I should have known.

I should have said or done something different.

I said and did things I shouldn’t have.

I messed up. I’m to blame.

It’s my fault.

How do I deal with all the guilt I feel?

Our anger looks for a target. Often, the most convenient target is ourselves.

None of us are perfect. We all have regrets. When someone dies, however, we look back and see mistakes and omissions. We become hyper-conscious of what we wish we had or had not said or done. Unable yet to release our loved one, we concoct things that we could have said or done that might have made a difference somehow.

Guilt is the result.

Most of us are quite familiar with guilt. Many of us have known it well since childhood. It invaded our lives early and began to exert its influence. It whispered its accusations into our small, impressionable minds and hearts. It took up residence in our lives and has been a continual player in our lives ever since.

When loss strikes, guilt recognizes a prime opportunity to strengthen its position. “Look at what you did or didn’t do. Look at the terrible, tragic result. You’ve really blown it this time.”

Guilt wants control. If we listen to it, our hearts begin trending toward hopelessness and despair.

Guilt benefits no one. It is not our friend. Its voice does not help us grieve well, honor our loved one, or love anyone around us. Guilt is an emotional boa that slowly and efficiently squeezes the life right out of us.

When guilt comes, acknowledge it. “I’m feeling guilty.”

Identify the thought behind the guilt. “I’m feeling guilty because I’m thinking that…”

Release the guilt as best you can. The more you do this, the more guilt will get the message that it is no longer welcome.

If you honestly see yourself as responsible for something related to your friend or loved one’s death, then being able to process that and forgive yourself is hugely important. More on that later…

Affirmation: Guilt is not my friend. When it comes, I’ll acknowledge the guilt and then release it as best I can.

Suggestions:

Guilt is a common visitor in the grief process. Dealing with it well can be difficult and frustrating. Here are some suggestions to consider when this unwelcome invader comes knocking on your heart.

• When you sense guilt’s presence, begin to A.I.R. that emotion. Acknowledge the guilt. Identify the thoughts behind it. “I’m feeling guilty because I was just thinking about…” And then do your best to release it. Breathe deeply and see yourself breathing out the guilt. Or picture the guilt clenched in your fists, and then open your hands and release it. For more information on the A.I.R. Grief Skill, please see the end of chapter seven.

• When it comes to guilt, many find writing or journaling to be helpful. Consider taking some time to write about what you’re feeling and why. A.I.R. your guilt on paper (or type it out on a screen).

• You might even want to make a “guilt list.” Jot down the things you feel guilty about. Good prompts for this are, “if only I had…” And “I wish I hadn’t…”

• Guilt tends to be persistent. Set your mind to deal with it every time it surfaces. As you practice handling guilt, you’re building good grief habits that will help you in other areas too.

Guard your heart by processing guilt when it surfaces. Keep releasing it, as many times as necessary.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Question: Have you struggled with guilt? How so? Please feel free to share by leaving a comment below: