People I Counted on Disappeared

People I counted on disappeared.
Everyone was supportive at first.
Then, poof. No calls. No emails. No texts.
What happened?
I feel abandoned.
Where did everyone go?

People don’t know what to do with grief. This is strange considering we all deal with loss along the way. We assume that those around us will be compassionate, concerned, and supportive. Sadly, this is often not the case.

Many grieving hearts feel at least somewhat abandoned by the people they had counted on for support. Some people tend to disappear or almost evaporate into thin air. One minute they’re expressing concern, and the next minute they are inexplicably absent.

We don’t get the calls we hoped for. We don’t get the emails and texts we had expected. Once the funeral is over, everyone goes back to their own lives while we’re left on the outside looking in. We were once a part of all this. Now, we exist in an alternate universe clouded with emotional pain and grief.

We’ve talked about the fact that we’re clearly designed for relationship and wired for connection. This is partially why the death of a close friend or loved one is so painful. When others seem to distance themselves when we need them the most, our hearts are once again shocked and stunned.

Most people have trouble being in the presence of loss and grief.

No one enjoys suffering or watching someone they care about endure personal pain. We unconsciously avoid situations that we sense will be emotionally challenging or uncomfortable.

In some senses these “disappearances” aren’t particularly surprising, yet the lack of contact and expressions of support from those who say they care about us is also profoundly confusing and disappointing.

This adds to our sadness and can stoke our anger. No wonder many grieving hearts feel alone.

If people you counted on seem to be distancing themselves from you, please remember that this is far more about them than about you and your loss. What you’re experiencing from them is disappointing and painful, but it is also extremely common for those traveling the grief road.

Keep breathing deeply. Be kind to yourself. Care and support are out there, but it may not come from those you anticipated.

Affirmation:
If people I counted on disappear, I’ll remember that their lack of response is more about them than about me. The support I need is out there, but it might not come from whom I expect.

Suggestions:
If people you counted on for support aren’t showing up, rest assured that many grieving hearts experience this. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this challenge:

Accept where you are, as you are, in the present moment. Ac-
knowledge that you don’t control how people respond to you
and your grief. Remind yourself that their responses are more
about them than about you.
Do what you can to express the emotions and thoughts that
are running around inside you. Talk it out. Write it out. Art it
out. Consider sharing your frustrations with a safe person who
is a great listener. For more info on T.W.A., please see the end
of chapter 10.
Consider writing a letter to these people (one that you will
never send). Let it rip. Be honest and uncensored. “Get it out”
so that this frustration doesn’t build up and fester into some-
thing even more challenging.
For the sake of your own heart, consider forgiving those who
have disappointed you. We’ll talk more about forgiveness,
including what it is and what it isn’t, in subsequent chapters.
Relationships are messy and often painful.