The following article is adapted from Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: How to Care for and Support the Grieving Heart. This book includes what many of us wish we could say to those around us about what loss is like, what we’re going through, and how they can support us through this. If you’ve ever felt misunderstood or frustrated by others in your grief process, you’ll be able to relate…
“The pain is deeper and more intense than I could have imagined. It rattles my soul.”
—Maggie
Loss is painful. It can be traumatic, even devastating. How we handle another’s heart is important, especially when they’re hurting. You can care for and support them by acknowledging and respecting
their pain.
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART…
I’m hurting. Something traumatic has occurred. Someone I love is gone, and they’re not coming back.
I don’t know how to do this. It’s like I’ve been hit by a bus, and I’m lying flat in the middle of the road, watching the sky go by.
The world speeds on, oblivious to my loss. I watch but can’t seem to enter in. It’s as if someone pushed the pause button on my life. My world has suddenly changed, forever.
I’m stunned. I’m hurting. My heart is crushed. Grief can be heavy. And yet, I can’t fully accept it somehow. This can’t be real.
I know this is confusing for you. It’s confusing for me also. You’re probably wondering what to say or what to do.
You can come sit beside me in the road, if you want. You don’t have to say much. In fact, you don’t have to say anything at all. Your presence is worth all the words in the world right now.
I probably won’t say much either. Don’t expect much out of me. I won’t be myself for a while. In fact, I may never be the same again. This is something we’ll both have to grapple with, but now isn’t the time for that.
Sometimes all I can do is lie here and breathe. I won’t be here forever, but it’s where I am today.
This is hard. It hurts.
I don’t know how to begin, so I’ll just stumble forward and hope my seemingly random thoughts and emotions will make some kind of sense to you.
Thanks for reading this. I know this is strange. It’s weird for me, too.
Please be patient with me. I’m grieving.
LOSS HURTS
Losing a loved one is painful and traumatic. It can wound the soul and crush the heart.
We lose parents, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even children and grandchildren. We lose people to death, divorce, moves, disasters, or illness. We can lose them in an instant, or we can lose them over time.
Unfortunately, loss is a huge part of life. How we deal with it makes all the difference – both for ourselves and those around us.
Your grieving relative or friend is hurting. Their “normal” is gone. The disappearance of someone they love is affecting them deeply.
Change has hit their heart and life. You may not feel or understand it, but their pain is very real. It really feels as if they’ve been hit by a bus. Life is no longer business as usual for them.
They need people who will be with them through this. Grief is lonely, but no one should have to endure this spot in the road alone.
Helping them may be different than you think. They need people who will hear their heart and meet them where they are. And where they are is different for every person.
They’re hurting. They’re supposed to be. Acknowledge and respect their pain. They’re getting hit over and over again. Venture out and sit beside them in the middle of the road. Your presence can be more comforting than you realize.
Adapted from the award-winning bestseller Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: How to Care for and Support the Grieving Heart. Check out Gary’s interview on the Author’s Show about the book.
Question: What do you wish others knew about you and your grief at present?
I wish people would stop timing my grief. I lost my mom in August 2020 after a relatively brief battle with cancer (2 1/2 years from diagnosis to death). It blindsided me, I really thought it was going to be okay, and then it just wasn’t. I found out she was terminal in mid- July and by August 3 she was gone. I wish people would understand that I am lost and I am not “all better” since “so much” time has passed. I had my mom for 40 years, and she and I often talked about when she got really old and how cool that will be. Then that got ripped away. In the matter of a few weeks, I lost my mom, my daughter lost her grandma. I don’t recognize myself, and I hate it. I find myself going back to memories of “normal” and I pine for them. I daydream about what I would have loved to do with mom (we liked to travel), which is nice for a minute, then the grim reality hits me- she is gone. Forever. I am not a religious person… so turning to a deity for comfort is not an option for me. I wish people understood that losing a parent who you were very very close with prematurely and unexpectedly doesn’t stop stinging after 6 months, this all still feels new–and I need the level of understanding and kindness that I was getting the days that immediately followed her death.
Hi Chelsea. Thanks for sharing with us. I’m so, so sorry about your mom. How sudden, quick, and devastating. The loss of a beloved parent changes everything. And you’re right – the people around us don’t get it. Even if they’ve lost a parent, they didn’t lose OUR parent. Each relationship is unique. It would be nice if others simply gave us space and time to grieve and not expect us to be the same people we were – because we’re not. As you said, that “normal” is gone. Chelsea, do you have anyone where you are that you can share freely with? We all need people like that. I am hoping for safe people to come into your life. They can make all the difference. Please feel free to reach out here anytime.
I wish they knew that after 5 years it still knocks me to my knees, that my life remains dark and lonely and I hide it well. Grief is a terrible thing and a person never quite gets passed grief. Grief rattled my soul..
Hi Donna. Thanks for sharing. Well put. Yes, loss rattles us at the very core of our beings. Please be kind to yourself…
My loss may have occurred 2 1/2 years ago but it feels like yesterday. My world has been destroyed. I can’t believe how bad it hurts and yet everyone goes on like nothing happened. I just fake it and say I’m fine even though I find it hard to exist.
Thank you for sharing this and for your honesty. Almost everyone who reads your comment will be able to relate. So many of us feel very similar – or at least have the same thoughts about our loss. It’s frustrating, sad, angering, and depressing. Please be kind to yourself in all this. It’s a hard, hard road…
I have read several of your books and they have helped me a little. I grieve for my Alton every single day and will to the day I die. Thank you for trying to help me to try to find a little peace.
Hi Maribeth. I’m so sorry about Alton. What a terrible loss. Yes, you will grieve as long as you miss him – and that’s always. Please be kind to yourself. And please feel free to keep me posted, as you want to. Blessings to you…
I wish others knew how difficult it is for me & how I am struggling at times.
I feel so ALONE. The pain I feel at times is overwhelming.
I relate to what I read about the soul, heart, & spirit being crushed; mine are.
It takes so much energy to do & accomplish the simplest of tasks.
It would be nice to have the comfort & presence of certain people. They are not there.
I have been let down by certain family members b/ct they are not there for me.
HI Ann. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Isolation is a huge enemy of the grieving heart. We’re designed for relationship, not this awful separation we’re enduring. So many can relate to what you’ve said. I can almost see them tearing up and nodding their heads as they read your comment. Please be kind to yourself. And please feel free to reach out here anytime. I’m hoping for safe, helpful people to come into your life – and soon!
The description of feeling like you have been hit by a bus after loosing a loved one – in my case my husband of 36 years- is so totally accurate. Then to have his family not say anything much less physically help with anything except take their stuff is a double trauma
Thanks for sharing. Yes. The loss is more than enough. We get to suffer through all the collateral losses than come along behind it. Ugh. And family is often less than supportive and understanding. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. This is hard, hard, hard.
After losing my second wife 7 years ago, I felt that I had come to terms with my grief, but as the saying goes, we never get over our grief. It just manifests itself in different forms. For instance, behavior. I have withdrawn from society. Despite my feelings of loneliness, I have no desire to socialize. I have lost interest in any type of activity. At first I thought it was anxiety or depression, but I found out that these are also a form of grief.
Hi Russell. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing. I believe many people reading your comment will be able to relate to some if not all of what you’ve said. You have really been through it – and are still enduring great grief. I’m so sorry. We all need alone time, some of us more than others. All our hearts are unique. We’re stunned. Now wonder we don’t want to do anything. Please keep being kind to yourself and accepting of yourself. And please feel free to make contact anytime. Blessings to you today, Russell.