Wow. It’s November.
The holidays are upon us. And for those of us who are hurting, this time of year can pack a real punch.
Why are holidays so hard?
Holidays are difficult because they automatically surface our losses.
- We’re hyper-aware of who’s missing.
- Triggers are everywhere.
- Memories flood in.
- Emotions surge forth and hijack us.
Yep, the holidays are an emotional and mental minefield.
What can we do?
What if we could locate some of those mines beforehand, and diffuse them?
Is that possible? Personally, I think so. Especially with some of the more powerful mines scattered ahead of you – the mines of expectations.
Expectations. I have them. You have them. Other people have them.
We have expectations of ourselves, of others, and of the holidays themselves. These expectations are often based on past holidays, mixed with how we’re expecting things to go this year based on all that’s happened.
How we manage these expectations will determine a lot about the next two months.
The trouble with expectations
Expectations are sneaky. They’re often unconscious and unspoken. We don’t bother to stop and identify them, so they fly under the radar. But we’re acting on them, all the time. And because expectations are unexpressed and unevaluated, we get hit repeatedly with disappointment, anger, and a feeling of powerlessness.
Yuck.
What do we need to do?:
- Identify our expectations.
- Evaluate them.
- Manage them and make a plan.
Six steps for managing holiday expectations
So, here we go. Play along with me here.
- Grab some paper (or laptop or memo app on your smart phone). Title the page “Holiday Expectations.”
- Start with you. What are your expectations of yourself in the next two months? Be as specific and as thorough as you can.
- Move to other people. What are your expectations of those around you this season? Again, be specific.
- Go to the holidays themselves. What do you anticipate these holidays will be like?
- Consider where you are at present (your current energy level, health, emotions, and where you sense you are in your healing or grief process). How much of this list is honestly realistic? Mark out the unrealistic stuff. Be ruthless.
- Now, move to the next blank page and start making a simple holiday plan based on the following:
- What do you want to do?
- How do you want to do these things?
- When do you want to do each of them?
- With whom do you want to do this?
Again, be realistic. If you’re in heavy grief, it’s wise to downgrade your expectations of yourself – and of others, for that matter. Healing and grief take an astounding amount of energy. That means you have less to work with, and that’s okay.
I know. This process sounds like a pain. It too takes energy. But I firmly believe if we don’t make a conscious plan for using the holidays to heal and grieve well, the holidays will use us – and it won’t be pretty.
The one expectation you should have
There is one expectation you can put at the top of this list, because it’s true:
“These holidays will be different.”
Your world and life have changed forever. So have your holidays. They will never be the same again. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be good.
You can use this season to do what’s best for you, honor your loved one, and still love the other people around you. It begins with identifying and managing expectations.
Breathe deeply. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. You will get through this.
P.S. For more help navigating the holidays, check out Surviving the Holidays Without You. You can watch the video here.
