Grief is deeply personal and individual. Every relationship and loss are unique. We can feel unhinged, adrift, or like we’re in a free fall. We think we’re better and then we get surprised, again.
From the Grieving Heart
I thought I was a little better, but I guess not.
I was doing fine, having a good day, until I heard that song. It took me right back. Thoughts of you came flooding in. I was a basket case in a nanosecond.
I never know what’s going to happen next. The grief is always there, slowly building up inside me. It grows until my system is full, and then along comes a person, place, aroma, word, or song that reminds me of you. A switch gets flipped. A hatch pops open, and all the pressurized emotion comes bursting out. I have no control over when, where, or how.
This is frustrating and embarrassing. I take one step forward, and then two steps back. The grief seems to be getting deeper. The more I grieve, the more the grief inside me seems to grow.
It all seems so backward. How do I know if I’m making progress? Is progress what I should even be thinking about? What does “good” grieving look like?
I find one answer, then generate two more questions. Is grief some never-ending cycle? Is there a way out of this?
I don’t want to leave you behind. I can’t go on without you – at least, I don’t want to.
There must be another way.
Grief may not be what we anticipated.
Grief is not a checklist or a once-and-done activity. It’s a process. Here are 7 facts about the grief journey we can’t afford to forget:
1. The grief journey is a dynamic process.
It’s always moving. It’s highly individual, defies prediction, and refuses to be boxed in. It’s all a bit mysterious. It’s a matter of the heart.
2. The grief journey is challenging.
Each day is a journey through a virtual minefield. You never know where the next grief burst is hiding. Anything can trigger it. The heart is looking for ways to express itself and to declare its love. You bump into unseen memories suddenly and without warning. Reminders of your loved one are everywhere.
3. The grief journey is one of the heart.
The heart is trying to find a way to live with the absence of this special person you’ve lost. You’re thinking of and looking for them, even when you’re not aware of it. Loss has invaded your life and is demanding your attention.
4. The grief journey is unpredictable.
One day we feel you’re doing well. The next day might not be so smooth. One moment might be great, and the next you might be showering the sidewalk with tears.
5. The grief journey is demanding and exhausting.
The grief roller coaster is full of ups, downs, and sudden twists. It yanks and jerks you here and there, leaving you gasping for breath. It’s never smooth for long. And it’s not over in 90 seconds either. It goes on, and on, and on.
This is not a roller coaster you chose to get on. You simply woke up one day and discovered you were a passenger. What’s important now is making sure your seat belt is fastened, keeping your arms and legs in the car, and riding this whirling, curling monster as well as possible.
6. It’s hard to measure progress on the grief journey.
There will be ups and downs, and some will be breathtaking. Some turns you will see coming, while others will take you completely by surprise. You simply grieve as best you can from moment to moment. You take life as it comes, one step at a time. And above all, resist the temptation to compare your grief with someone else’s.
7. The grief journey is full of sudden emotional surges, bursts, and spikes.
Grief will surprise you. When the grief surges up and spews out, so be it. Every grief burst honors those you’ve lost and declares your love for them.
Like every other journey, grieving is done one step at a time. You might meander back and forth. That’s okay. Other travelers are on this road. Together, we will make it.
Affirmation:
I’ll ride this grief roller-coaster as best I can, one moment at a time.
Adapted from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. To get your copy, or to download a free excerpt, click here.
Question: Which of the seven key facts above have you experienced the most?
Recommended Addtional Resources:
5 Common Myths about Grief – Thrive Global
10 Myths about Grief Most of Us Believe – Belief Net
My sweet husband has only been gone for six months. Those months feel more like years and yet, the heartache is still so fresh. I keep wondering, how do people do it? How do they keep living with such a badly broken heart? How will I? I don’t have the answer to that. Most days, I don’t feel like I can. I just ordered one of your books. I know that I need help to keep going. I just don’t know from where. I feel mostly dead and I hate it. Will I ever be able to feel guilt-free joy again?
Hi Keri. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry about your husband. If it helps any, everything that you’ve said are common and natural experiences for those who have lost mates. As you process the grief, healing will take place. The grief will change over time. You will get through this, though at the present moment I know that’s hard to imagine. Again, I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself!
I lost my son 7 months ago. Today is his birthday, he would have been 39 years old. He had an identical twin brother that died 9 years ago from a life long illness due to complications at the time of delivery. My son that died by suicide always felt like a significant part of him died when his brother passed away. He was a police officer for many years and had received many awards and achievements. He had a smile so bright it could light up the midnight sky. He left behind a wife and 5 children ranging in age from 17 – 3. The grief comes in like a tidal wave and washes out like the ocean. Once again I am working on acceptance. I made a comment to a co-worker, it seems like I hold onto that “acceptance” for awhile; then I lay it down and the next thing I know I’ve lost it and I have to go chase it down again.
HI Kelly. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry. How tragic. What huge losses for you and your family. I can’t even imagine the intensity and the power the grief must have at times. Please feel free to write anytime. Feel free to share, vent, ask questions, or whatever. I’m here to help, if I can. Please be kind to yourself in all this. Again, I’m so sorry.
The loss of love, the person I trusted, betrayal, deception, lies.
Trust and a broken heart really never whole again. Any hope of Love or trust with that person is gone. I’m grieving the loss of Hope, the future with the man I loved.
Loss of relationship, there is no body, people take sides who don’t know the truth. And even if they did what does it matter? Pain is pain
Today, there is death. Acceptance . The death of Hope. now it feels like there’s a body, dead to me. I feel dead. Yet I’m caught by surprise. A song, a smell, a Sunrise, a star, a breeze, a clear brightly studded night, scent of Summer, a bird, Fox kits, a dance, a place, a touch.
Stabs, Cuts, pins, razors, gunshot,( not literal, but like an explosion in me), Blackness, heavy, aching, burning, cold, gray, dead, deep, nowhere, nothing, joyless, pointless, mired, exhausted, anxious, hyper-vigilant, aware, fearful, rejecting, hopeless, bored, distracted, preoccupied, avoidant, pretending, apathetic, numb, foggy, lost, dead, devoid…
A tumble of feelings all at once or none at all…
Hi Kelly. Thanks for sharing and for writing this. What a great description of the heart – your heart – in grief. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I really appreciate it. We all need to be more honest with ourselves and express our grief in healthy ways. Thank you for your example. If there’s every anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Just to say that 3 years ago 6/7 we lost our 27 year old son to a heroin overdose. It was devastating. We have moved on but there are days for me that a song, a joke, a memory from something I saw or heard and I stop and lose it. For a moment and then
I remember he is at peace.
Hi Barbara. I’m so sorry about your son. And you’re so right – these things come out of the blue and invade our routines. These things can be blessings that allow us to express what’s inside us – the grief, the pain, the missing, the longing. Thank you for sharing. Please keep being kind to yourself in all this…
Thanks, Gary. I needed a reminder.
Hi Robert. I’m glad it was helpful. We all need those reminders! Blessings to you, Robert.
This seems spot on ….sometimes I feel like I am crazy. I want the grief to end but I don’t want it to because he will be even further away.
HI Kathy. Well said. Thanks for sharing this. Yes, we do feel looney at times. And more. If I can ever help in any way, Kathy, please let me know. Blessings to you today.
My husband will have been gone 6 years in July. It is still a roller coaster. Like you have mentioned a song, a photo, reminiscences of good times in the past, bring on emotions that I thought I had gotten over. I feel like my life is over, and it is as it was when he was alive. Everything is different without him. There are moments and facets of my life now that I wish I could share with him. I wonder if he would be proud of how I have taken care of our home and steward what was left to me. It would be so nice to share the problems I face daily.
I am thankful for your books and your postings that I can share with our group of widows that I head up. They have appreciated what you write. We are a group of 12 right and growing. I have shared with a widower as well and he now is using these helpful writings with other men.
HI Jean. Thank you for writing and sharing. Yes, 6 years can seem like yesterday. Our hearts are slow to adjust, especially when we love so deeply. I’m so proud of you for how you have handled all this. Thank you for starting your group and caring for others as you yourself grieve. The ripple effects of that are truly stunning. Keep up the great work, and if I can help in any way, please let me know. Blessings to you, Jean!
Key 2. Still to this very day, It’s not any easier to face those many reminders. Maybe someday!
Hi Vickie. Yes…these reminders that descend on us are challenging indeed. Thank you for sharing, Vickie. Please be patient with yourself in all this. You are not alone, though sometimes it might feel that way. Blessings to you today…